


Drown Me, Save Me

by rhymeswithcabbage



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Oblivious, Pining, major distraction, sirius is emotional and remus saves him from himself
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 10:54:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20834282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rhymeswithcabbage/pseuds/rhymeswithcabbage
Summary: Sirius is not nervous. He has no reason to be.





	Drown Me, Save Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I'm back from my super long hiatus! I know you've been waiting for updates on O:GTG and I promise I won't disappoint ;)
> 
> Anyway, I was going through my drafts last night and found a drabble-y bit I'd written ages ago for a tumblr prompt along the lines of
> 
> "Sirius tells Remus he loves him and Remus panics and throws his drink in his face because he can't handle the feels"
> 
> (I can't find the original post so if anyone has a link I'd be so grateful if they'd send it to me so I can give credit where it's due!)
> 
> Anyway, I found it, and when I tried to finish it it turned into something else entirely. So if you've stumbled across this story, welcome to a journey through randomness, nonsensical coping mechanisms, and wolfstar :D
> 
> Hope you like it! <3

Sirius was _not_ nervous.

Of course he wasn't nervous. Why on earth would he be? He had absolutely no reason to be nervous. It's not like he was doing something that absolutely required him to be nervous. It's not like he was about to make a life-altering decision or anything. 

Although he supposed he'd already made that decision. Or rather, he'd had it made for him. Same difference, really. But that was just all the more reason why he had no reason to be nervous, right?

He wasn't being held at wandpoint by an evil megalomaniac, or stuck in a room with fifty judgemental cats staring at him with unnerving yellow eyes, or battling a dragon on a broomstick. In fact, it was doubtful that he would've been nervous even if he _was_ in any one (or all) of those scenarios, because nervous was just something that Sirius Black never was.

_Although maybe if the _dragon_ was on the broomstick...._ Pffft, no, of course not. Sure, that would be a tad unnerving, what with the literally looming threat of being burnt to a crisp and all, and he was only human, of course he'd be a little worried for his life, and for all the people who'd have to live their lives in misery and boredom without him (ahem, Prongs), so yes, he'd be a bit worried, he could admit that, but definitely not enough to make him _nervous_. 

The brute would probably end up setting the broom on fire accidentally anyway...although would that cause more problems for the dragon or for him?

Suddenly the mental image of a Hungarian Horntail riding a dragon sized broomstick was replaced by a Hungarian Horntail riding a normal sized broomstick, and failing (and flailing) miserably. Sirius snickered.

Then again, if the dragon _did_ manage to set his broom on fire, he could always just spread his wings and - 

It took all of Sirius' self control to stop himself from face-palming. How had he managed to forget that dragons didn't need fucking _brooms_ to fly because they had fucking _wings_, for fuck's sake?! 

There must have been something in the pumpkin juice he'd gulped down at breakfast today, that must be it. That explained why his stomach was so fluttery, and his brain was acting crazier than usual, and he couldn't stop _fidgeting_.

Yeah, it was definitely the pumpkin juice. Or maybe it was the muffin he'd scarfed down before that. It did look a little browner than usual. He frowned. Well whatever it was, it'd pass soon. Food could only stay in your stomach for so long, right? The annoying side-effects would fade soon enough.

He fiddled with his fingers a little, and sat on his hands to _try_ and keep still. When his boot began to tap uncontrollably on the common room carpet, he knew it was a lost cause. 

Sirius ran his hand through his hair. Biting down on his lip, he stared at nothing in particular as he tried to calm down. Not that he needed calming. He was just a bit overexcited, is all, he couldn't help being a little jumpy. 

He wasn't nervous. At all.

He was sitting in his favorite cushy armchair, had been sitting there for the past seven minutes actually. What on earth was taking him so long?

There weren't many other people in the common room. Some of the younger students were gathered in front of the fire, shrieking in delight over a brutal game of gobstones between two second years, while a few Fifth years and Seventh years who hadn't gone to Hogsmeade that day were studying, or at least trying to.  
Sirius jumped when he heard a sudden tapping, and looked up to see a brown owl at the window. Rolling his eyes, he stood up and walked where the owl was glaring at him through the slightly foggy glass. Sirius stuck his tongue out at the bird before lifting the latch and shoving the window open. The bird flew in, as majestic as ever, and Sirius rolled his eyes. In retaliation, the owl dropped the letter on his head, flapped its wings enough to send a downpour of snow on his perfect hair, and pecked him on the nose before zipping out the window before he could catch the damn bird and strangle its stupid feathery neck.

Sirius huffed as he pulled the window shut and turned the latch down. He couldn't understand why the school owls hated him so much. Come to think of it...maybe it was the incident with the dungbomb delivery that exploded in the owlery back in third year?  
Wow. Who knew owls could hold a grudge? Apparently they could. And for a whopping four years, at that. Sirius shook his head, bemused, and carefully opened the folded-up note, ignoring the feathers and snow that fluttered down around him. He grinned when he saw the note was from James, shaking his head and pocketing it once he'd read it.

_To Sirius finally-grew-the-balls-to-do-it Black, otherwise known as Padfoot,_

_First of all, stop thinking so much. Siriusly, just stop. You've been waiting for this for three bloody years and you're finally there, so don't you dare mess this up with your stupid overanalyzing brain!_  
_On the plus side, he already knows how insane you are, so at least you can't do anything that'll send him running for the hills. Knowing you, you'll probably manage. But hey, now you can't blame me for not warning you!_  
_Second, wear the jacket. And the boots. Trust me on this._  
_Third, remember to have fun, but not too much fun. OK it's not like I can actually stop you, I know that, but please, just spare me the details. I've already had to put up with years of your pining and self-pitying and POETRY (really, I'm not even half as bad about Lily as you are about him, Pads).There's only so much a bloke can take when it comes to descriptions of his two best friends going at it, you get that? _  
_Of course you don't get that, you're Sirius, you'd go on and on about it just to spite me. But whatever, just make sure you both have a blast, yeah?_  
_And I'm happy for you, Pads. You deserve this. Don't let anything make you think otherwise. I'm so proud of you.  
_ _Go get 'im, Padfoot. _

_ _ __ _ _

__

_Yours from this uncomfortable hospital bed,  
Prongs_

_ PS Leave your hair down. Trust me.  
J _

Sirius looked down at his boots and grinned wider. James was the best friend ever. It was so awesome to have someone to calm him down, even when he didn't need it (that much) and tell him what to wear, even if it was what he usually wore. Still. It showed that he cared. And he loved how James seemed to know him better than he knew himself sometimes. OK, most of the time. In fact, the only person who could possibly know him better than James was -

"Damn it!"

Sirius looked up when he heard the familiar voice. Cursing. The common room fell silent, as everyone stared at the entrance to the Gryffindor boys' dormitories. There was a little shuffling, and then silence for a few minutes, before what sounded suspiciously like a sigh of relief, and then a slightly rumpled looking Remus Lupin ambled into the common room, hands shoved firmly in his pockets and eyes fixed firmly on the ground.

Sirius' eyes widened.

The longer Sirius looked at him, the wider his grin grew, until he was surprised that it even fit on his face anymore. Remus walked up to him and stood in front of him, still not looking him in the eye.

He looked _adorable_.

"Decided to upgrade from the hipster look to something more punk rock, I see. I knew I would get through to you someday," Sirius tried his hardest to keep the laugh out of his voice, but Remus must have heard it anyway, because he looked up and glared at him before looking back at the floor and shrugging nonchalantly. "Hardly. I thought it was too warm for a jumper, is all. It's no big deal, Sirius." 

He still didn't look up from his boots. And Sirius swore his cheeks turned a little pink. His heart soared.

"Of course it isn't. Just making an observation," Remus smiled a little smile and Sirius managed to refrain from hugging the breath out of him. "Shall we go, then?"  
Remus nodded. Sirius grinned.

They walked out of the common room together, smiling. For a moment, the other students were silent, but then they all shared a knowing look and went back to their books and games and chatter with smirks. 

So, it was finally happening.

-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

"Zonko's next?" Sirius asked. He smiled softly at Remus as they walked out of Honeydukes. The taller boy had his nose in their bag of purchases, rummaging through and muttering to himself. His hair was just past his eyebrows and he blew it out of his face in annoyance. His eyebrows were scrunched up and his lips pursed in _just_ the right way to make his left cheek dimple.

Sirius really needed to stop staring.

Remus sighed in relief and took his face out of the bag. "Oh thank goodness, I didn't forget to buy the ice mice for James, you know how he gets when we forget them. I don't understand the obsession at all, honestly, it's _sugar_, obviously can't be compared to chocolate. Oh yeah," He grinned at Sirius and ran his hand through his hair, "You were saying?"

Sirius yanked his attention from Remus' dimples to his eyes and tried to remember how to breathe. The jacket, the boots, the messed up hair, the smile, that look in his eyes, like Sirius was the only thing on his mind and he was perfectly fine with that. It was almost too much for him.

"I- I was just suggesting we go to Madam Puddifoot's for a drink or two? I'm parched."

What?

Had he just said-

What.

Sirius tried to remember that spell James told him would bury him alive in a crisis. This counted as a crisis, right? Damnit, he couldn't remember. Remus raised an eyebrow, his grin twisting into an incredulous smirk .Sirius couldn't decide if this was an improvement or not. 

"Really?" 

An improvement, Sirius decided. 

"Not your usual style, Sirius. Although," his smirk grew, "It isn't an entirely bad idea."

_What?_

"It's much closer than the Three Broomsticks. And you're living up to the punk rock ideal, I see. Showing the rookie how it's done." Remus' smirk widened and he clapped Sirius on the shoulder. "You have my full support, my bruh."

_WHAT?_

"They do have great hot cocoa," Remus winked at him cheekily. "And I'm sure you'll love their Sugar Shakes. I've heard the pink ones are simply _divine_."

Sirius gaped at him.He tried not to smack himself upside the head. What had he been _thinking_. He was in this too deep, he needed to stop this, _now_, - 

"C'mon, Sirius, race you!" And Remus ran up the path to Puddifoot's ridiculous pink paradise, his curls bouncing, Honeydukes bags soaring behind him, _laughing_.

"I was JOKING!" Sirius screeched, entirely too late, then smacked himself upside the head and chased laughter and lanky limbs and lips that drove him crazy.

-._.-._.-._.-._,-._ 

Sirius stared at his shocking pink drink and willed himself to _act natural, for fuck's sake._

Remus chattered on about Prefect duties with Lily, Ancient Runes, the book he was currently reading. Sirius hummed and oh-ed and ah-ed in all the right places and wondered what his life even was anymore. 

He was pretty sure his drink was either bubblegum or cotton candy flavoured. He didn't know if he wanted to find out.

"Sure, Lily's great but she's not an idiot. I've been trying to get James to take a more intelligent approach to this "wooing" scheme but no, he says he's got a plan. Plans, from what I understand. I don't even want to know what letter he's on now."

See, what James didn't know was that Sirius actually hadn't grown the balls to do it. He hadn't grown the balls to do anything. He'd been head-over-heels for Remus since third year, and he was sure everyone knew except the boy himself. And then James had tried one of his wooing tricks on Lily and she'd hexed him into the hospital wing. And they'd finished crossing Plan K off the list and Sirius, tired and hungry had just said, "I'll be going out with Remus tomorrow, our usual Hogsmeade run. Do you want anything besides the mice?"

"I mean seriously, sonnets? Fireworks? Marching bands? What happened to good old fashioned flowers and chocolate?"

And of course his stupid brain had had to phrase it like that and of course James, probably slightly loopy from whatever potion Pomfrey had shoved down his throat, had gone completely mental because it was _finally happening_, and he had roses growing out of his ears and thorns tangled in his hair and Sirius couldn't bring himself to break his heart like that. And so he'd gone along with it. 

"And you guys managed to mess up flowers too! I didn't even know you _could_ send someone too many flowers. Only you two."

Meaning, he'd said nothing. Just stared. 

Apparently that had equated to some form of "yes, I asked Remus out on a date". He had no clue how. Maybe he really should pick up one of those Dictionaries Lily was always threatening to smack him on the head with.

"But you can't go wrong with chocolate! There's too many types for you to mess up _that_. Just stay away from the iffy ones, you know? These new releases sound promising if you can figure out which ones are good and which aren't. "

And James had been fucking ecstatic. And proceeded to owl Pete about it. And Marlene. And Dorcas, and Frank, and basically everyone they knew. 

Sirius had just blinked. What the fuck.

He was pretty sure some of those huffy return owls had dropped off galleons on James' bedside table. Sirius almost asked James, who was vibrating where he was sitting and penning a note to Ted (wasn't he a Hufflepuff?). Then he decided he was better off not knowing. So he said his goodnights and left.

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a good Acid Pop any day but the new Pepper Pops make you sneeze _fire_. I mean, how can you compare a hole through your tongue to _that_?"

Somehow, Remus hadn't found out. Talk about small miracles. Everyone, _everyone_, knew Sirius was on a date with Remus except Remus himself.

"And then there are those new Cockroach Clusters out, don't even get me _started_ on those,"

And now they were sitting at a table at Madam Puddifoot's, with sweet drinks in front of them and their toes touching underneath the tiny table because there was no _room_ and what had Sirius gotten himself _into_-

"You've been awfully quiet today, Pads. Everything al-"

"I think I'm in love with you."

Silence. 

Seriously, why had it gotten so quiet? Weren't there any chirping birds around these parts? And why was the couple at the next table looking at them like that. Oh wait, those were Alice and Frank! How had he missed them, he should go over and say hi, but then they were looking at him like he was insane, he supposed he might have screamed a bit-

His eyes widened. Shit. _Shit._ What had he-

There was a _thunk_ and a _splash_ and suddenly he was sopping wet. White foam dripped from his eyelashes and his lips tasted of chocolate.

"What the fuck, Remus?!"

"I- I'm sorry, I," There was the screech of chair legs being pulled across the floor and suddenly the seat opposite from him was as empty as Remus' mug.

Sirius sat frozen for exactly ten seconds. In this time, he managed to grasp what had happened. Shit, shit, shit, why did he have to fuck everything up. _Shit_. 

"Remus!" He almost pushed the table over in his haste, chasing after wide eyes and windswept hair and _what the fuck had he done_.

-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

Sirius wanted to cry. He'd thrown some galleons on their table, between Remus' empty drink and his untouched pink, and bolted out of the shop, but Remus was nowhere in sight. He'd spent three hours running his hands through his cocoa-soaked hair and looking for Remus anywhere he could think of before deciding he'd gone back without him. Head hung low, he trudged back to the castle, wishing it would rain so he would have an excuse for the drops on his collar and the streaks down his cheeks.

How had he made such a mess of things? It had been going so well. Just a normal day out. And he had ruined it, all because he couldn't control himself. 

His hands clenched into fists, fingernails cutting into his palms. He didn't know if he could anymore. But he had to. He couldn't lose Remus. He just _couldn't_.

But maybe it was for the best. All he seemed to do was hurt people. He'd hurt Remus because he couldn't keep his damn mouth shut. He'd have to hurt James later because he couldn't just say something. Because he'd said too much, and nothing at all. And if he did nothing, he only hurt himself.

Maybe the only way he'd stop hurting anyone was if he put an end to this. He'd proven he couldn't be Remus' friend without it being a disaster. So maybe he should just...stop. 

_Stop trying. Stop hurting. Stop being such a fuck-up._

"About time you got back."

His breath caught in his throat at the sound of that voice. See, _this_ was the problem. He couldn't control himself over something as simple as a _voice_.

"I thought you'd be back sooner. Were you looking for me?"

He couldn't do it, he couldn't do it. He couldn't even do it for Remus, and what did that say about him?

"Are you- Padfoot, are you crying?"

He couldn't control himself for his best friend, what kind of friend was he? How horrible was he? He didn't deserve Remus, he didn't even deserve his friendship, how could he even _think_ he deserved his love, how _messed up_ was he-

"Shhh Padfoot, it's ok, I'm here, I'm here." Long arms came around him, sturdy and safe and warm, and he tensed. He tried to pull away.

"Moony, I-"

"I've got you, Sirius. I've got you." And Remus pulled him tighter, held him closer. And it was like he lost the energy to resist. He just, let go. Let go of himself, of hope and heartache and happiness and hair flying in the wind. He grabbed hold of Remus and buried his face in his shoulder let it all go.

And it just made him realize that no matter how much he tried, he _couldn't_ let go.

-._.-._.-._.-._.-._

"Sorry about your shirt."

Remus jerked a little and looked away from his book, smiling sheepishly. Sirius dropped onto the couch beside him, shaking his head like a dog. Remus laughed as he was splashed with water. "Stop it, you plonker, I just showered!"

"Well, so did I!" Sirius almost smirked, but decided on a small smile instead. _Control._ "Anyway, thanks for today. I'm sorry, about everything.I guess I'm just really emotional these days. Maybe it's a male puberty thing. Or maybe it was that pumpkin juice this morning. Or possibly that muffin, I _knew_ it looked browner than usual today. Just goes to show you can't be too careful,"

"Sirius."

"Anyway, I'm really terribly sorry about everything. I'll pass on your ideas about the chocolate to James, I'm sure he'll appreciate it,"

_"Sirius."_

"So yeah, I think I'll be heading to bed now. I really did have a nice time today, Moony, up until I messed it all up, anyway, yeah, I'm sorr-"

"SIRIUS."

Sirius stopped talking and just stared at the fire. He didn't trust himself to do anything else without doing something he'd regret.

"I'm sorry."

He whipped his head up at that. "You've got nothing to apologize for, Moony-"

"Did you mean it?"

He looked back at the fire.

"What?"

"Did you mean it, Sirius? Or was it another of your badly timed jokes?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sirius. Did you mean what you said."

"I should go to bed, I have an early-"

Remus grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back down before he could escape. "Sirius. Did you mean it."

He stared at the fire.

"Sirius," Remus put two fingers on Sirius' chin and turned him to face him. Sirius closed his eyes.

"Look at me."

He shook his head.

"Did you mean it, Sirius?"

He didn't say anything. He couldn't. He felt a single traitorous tear trail down his cheek. 

"Look at me, Padfoot."

He couldn't, He couldn't bring himself to look at how he'd hurt someone. How he'd hurt someone with _love_. How screwed up did you have to be to do that?

The gentle press of something warm against his lips made his eyes shoot open. He had an eyeful of eyelashes. Beautiful, delicate eyelashes and perfectly arched eyebrows. And then they were gone, and Remus was looking at him.

Remus was looking at him, and he couldn't look away.

"Damnit Pads, if I'd known that was all it would take to get you to look at me I'd have done that hours ago."

"Did you just-"

"I love you too, you absolute idiot."

It took Sirius ten seconds to realize his mouth was hanging open like an idiot. He tried to cover it up by starting to say something. Something stupid, something he'd regret, most likely.

And then Remus saved him by occupying his mouth in a different way entirely. And he didn't mind one bit.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading it all the way to the end! I hope you liked it!
> 
> Kudos and comments literally make my entire week so please don't be a silent reader! Any constructive criticism would be much appreciated too!
> 
> Have a lovely day <3


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